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You know you're in one of those moods when you read:



"Suck it up cup cake...suck it up."



As...



"Suck up the cake... suck it up."



I think I like the latter better :P

Well this year ended up probably being one of the worst birthdays to date. Those that know me well, know that typically my birthday is a huge let down, well this year didn't fail to supply the emotional rollercoaster to the other things I have to deal with.



I would say I'm looking forward to the weekend, but frankly I have races from 4am til 1am on Saturday (including travel time) and I already feel like I need a break.



Don't worry, I just had to vent I am actually doing remarkably well considering the events since Sunday- but I have to say people never cease to amaze me with their abilities to let you down. I should have remembered the lesson from years ago- the reminder does come at a perfect point for me, still the bitterness is something that everyone dislikes at some point.



Rock on, October is almost here and with it crew is almost done which will give me a much needed break. Good to be back, just wishing I could add more hours to my day.

Woooo! Mom's here, we're having coffee and chatting :D YAY see ya'll soon... must spend time with her ;)

I leave soon to pick up my mother... this will be the first time she's come out to visit me in the three years that I've been here.



I'm a little upset that everything isn't "perfect" for her, at the same point she will get the full taste of what my life is like here in London. *whew* off to the chiropractor, hair salon and then I hit da road!



Wish me luck :)

Wow had a great day, got up late, did nothing but read my book and then my friend took me for all you can eat sushi for lunch.



O.O



*burp*



Ummm I ate too much... wayyyyy too much. But it was sooo yummy!

12 hours of rowing this weekend. Typically we'll spend at most 8 when we train and some regatta days are 14+ hours for the coaching staff.



I swear I need a few weeks just to get my energy back after the season. This is probably why, not to mention the 4:30 am wake up to be at the boathouse and ready to go at 5:30. So much for my socializing lol, right now I feel like my only worth is as "coach" and "practioner".



My mother arrives on Tues, and I'm so excited, but I'm also a bit nervous as my schedule is difficult at best and adding in taking her to as many places as I can- well I'm a bit uncertain how that will go... because basically I'm not going to be able to nap when I want to. One week, I know I can do it- I just don't know how my body is going to fair with the punishment I'm putting it through.



Ugg getting older blows, mainly because I do have to factor in sleep. BAH! lol ;)

*sniffle* … poor you… it’s always poor you. Life is so rough, and everyone is out to get you. Keep whining to those who have no clue and will stroke your tiny….































































ego because I’m done. Have been so for quite some time.



There was a point I really looked up to you, until you showed me how quickly you assume and will judge. Point is, I don’t really care- not in the grand scheme of things… but I do take glee when these things happen to you because for as much as you don’t care…





You sure as hell whine a lot.



And yes, I am that shallow.

I wish that this show would have been around when I was younger... still the message is true now as it was then.

There is a poopy memeber here...



One who doesn't have a passport.



One that will miss a party.



One that I'm sad that won't meet my mom.



One that's gonna kick muh butt for teasing them.



But GET THAT PASSPORT already! heh ;)

Good practice this morning on the lake. Am home between crew and work, sitting here reading journals waiting for my water to boil to make my hard boiled eggs.



Only it isn't boiling. And it's been 10 min. O.o



So I wander over to the stove *duh!* I turned on wrong burner. Then I think it's time for more coffee. I pour my cup and then come back to the computer to put whatever thoughts I had down in this journal... only to realize that my coffee is still on the counter.



*sigh*



Alrighty then, I have my warning and I will make preparations for my day.



O.O



Just remind me when it's over so I can pass out.

Today I went to a bike shop where a friend works. As some of you know I’ve been starting to train to do Triathlons and have been using the bike my grandfather bought for me in 1990. To say it is old is an understatement. However it is sturdy and gets me to where I’m going… only I’m already maxing out with what I can do on it. So my friend who works in this shop, texts me the other day saying he’d found my next bike…. Um ok.



Well cripes if he wasn’t bang on. Granted this bike is 100.00 more than the one I was looking at, but the retail value was 1699.00 and I’m paying way less than that. Pretty much that extra 100.00 is up grading me from a bike I’d have to replace in 2 years to one that I can keep and train on till I have the means/ability to get whatever I want… which is doubtful that will happen unless I start doing SERIOUS triathlons. So now I have bike payments till I die *not really but it kinda feels that way* and I will have more bike than I can handle.



Here is a picture of the bike (newer model, but pretty much same frame) mine is yellow, like my old boat used to be, and the bike I purchased has a few upgrades on it from what is seen here. While mine might be an older model- that’s the reason for the deal I got- better to loose money on a sale than have it sit and not sell, and age more… I can’t wait till spring!

That eight years have passed.



I still vividly remember that day. My parents rushed to my house as they knew I had friends who were temp agents in NYC. They knew that the first of many changes was occuring.



I spent most the morning on the phone with my friend who moved to Toronto just 3 months prior. I emailed my friends in NYC hoping that they had not been working in those buildings that day.



And I watched.



Unable.



Hurt.



Time was in one of those compressors that day. Where you know it is passing but for the life of you, there is no way to say how much or how little had gone. You simply knew that others were in control. Not of your life, but of your attention. You knew that something had hit the core of what we call being American.



In the weeks that followed, there was unity in our humanity and our accomplishments to move forward. Slowly time has moved, to the point where it now seems like it always was. Perhaps this is what my Aunt described when she spoke about Pearl Harbor to me. Maybe my Grandmother in Dutch Harbor saw things that she never wished to recall.



It is burned into memory.



I remember.



Simply put I don't know. There are too many possiblities to try to answer them here. What I truly wonder, is in the grad scheme of life, what does this perception shift truly mean? Should it hold any meaning except in the horror and pain it caused? Or do our spirits make it something more, something that we grow from?



Choose.



Right now I am lost in the memory.

I left my purse at work and had to drive the eleven miles to go get it.



Seems like perceptions are moving for me similar to water flow these days. It ebbs and flows- never staying put and never truly lying still. Part of me is thankful for the life I lead, another part simply wants to rest.

I don't want to loose this conversation. Again so soon- too soon as she is 6 years younger than I am. Damn.



There are simply some days that I wish we had more control.



The conversation has not been spell checked or corrected as I want to remember the energy of it as I got it.



Happy: Hi

me: YAY Hello :)

How are you doing?

Happy: I don't think I'm going to make it

Progression to my lungs and kidney

Partial collapsed middle right lobe

Radiation may be next but if not hospice care

me: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that- when did you find out?

Happy: Friday

me: :(

I am so very sorry. How are you coping with the news?

Happy: I know, bummer

So long as I get to travel some I am ok with it

me: :)

Happy: I put up a good fight

me: Travelling is AWESOME

Yes and it sounds like you're planning on going down fighting

Happy: Yeah

Ill be happy with another 6 months

me: Good, that I'm glad to hear.

How is your gf taking this?

Happy: Honestly, would rather not live 10 years with cancer

She kicked me out. Said I was taking advantage of her and faking cancer for attention

me: WHAT?

Happy: I guess that's her way of coping

me: are you kidding me? When did she do that?

Happy: Last month

me: And she went with you to the Dr's appts and such?

How does someone fake the treatments etc?

Happy: Yes. And stayed in hospital with me numerous times

She obviously can't handle it

me: Unfucking believable. Now I'm even more sorry- and angry for you

True, but couldn't she have just said that?

Happy: She will regret it one day and that's really her problem. You know?

I know

me: That is so very true, still it does not change that she didn't need to do that damage when the truth while it hurts- could have been much easier

Happy: I predict some bad karma for her....kind of feel bad for her as the universe will return her wrong doings

And it won't be pleasant

me: And even if it doesn't- lying to yourself in such a manner never gets you very far.

Happy: So true

People react to cancer in some very strange ways

Its bizzare

me: Well it is scary as it is something every person does

cell regrowth- only the cells don't stop

so technically every person alive has the potential for Cancer.

and we have no control

Have you looked into mega VitaminC dosing ?

Happy: 1 in 3 people are diagnosed since the turn of the century

Yes

me: yup and that number is growing since we can detect it so much easier.

is it not an option for you?

Happy: It may still happen. Depending on what's next with oncology

Its not compatable with some treatments so my naturopath is pending

me: good

Happy: My chances are grim but miracles happen everyday

me: I'm glad you have one, are you inbetween treatments at some point where you could do that?

Indeed they do

n someways each day is a miricle that we all take advantage of in some way

Happy: No more chemo as it will only add days to my duration

Radiation could be an option. I find out tomorrow

me: Just keep fighting as long as you love doing it

Happy: Otherwise, I'm going back to tx and travelling as much as I can

It sucks actually

me: I can only imagine

How hard it is on every level

appy: Its no way to live. I've spent countless hours trying

me: Yes, that I'm certain of

grace and grit- have you read it?

Happy: By doing so I've missed out on so much

No

me: It's written by Ken Wilber and his wife who lost her battle- but there might be some comforting words in it for you

Happy: Maybe ill check it out

me: it's quite a powerful book

As at one point they knew there would be no more treatments for her

and well it mirrors some of what you are looking at

if nothing else I would hope it would give you fresh outlook to determine what is right for you

As at one point they knew there would be no more treatments for her

and well it mirrors some of what you are looking at

if nothing else I would hope it would give you fresh outlook to determine what is right for you

Happy: :)

Thanks.

me: That's the hardest part isn't it? Trying to determine what is right?

I know I stuggle with it daily

and I don't have a reason such as yours to have it weigh on me

Happy: Yes. And learning the ugly truth behind our cancer industry doesn't help

me: No, sadly the truth about most of our healthcare anywhere is like that.

But that is not you or your treament- don't forget that

Happy: I've met some amazing survivors and they are proof that miracles do happen

me: and when you have to, remind your healthcare workers of that

Happy: A man had kidney cancer predicted to die in 6 months

me: the truth is there is a body/mind/spirit connection we simply don't know

Happy: He ended up in hospital. His kidneys bed out 3 three times

me: and when we do what is right for us, we walk closer to what heals us on all levels

Happy: When he woke up the doctors were amazed that his cancer vanished

me: Sometimes that includes the physical

and others it does not

Is it a miricle?

Happy: That happened here in seattle 3 years ago

me: That we breath each day is one

and look for the beauty when it is ugle

ugly

Because what we focus on is what we inspire

Happy: True

My chances may be slim but I desrve a happy ending

me: Exactly :)

Even if you make it yourself :)

Happy: I got a call. I will keep you posted and thanks for sharing the positive with me. I'm blessed to have met you :)

me: As am I, most definately am I

And I expect a visit if you travel :)

Happy: I would love that

Can you see the northern lights there?

me: We're more south

Even south of Seattle

but a bit further I believe you can as there isn't as much light pollution

GAH



Spent some time with a friend who now has me going through some old songs that I've loved...

For Bones:







heh :D

Birra, you ask- I supply. Behold!







Party I tell you! Get on the floor and dance!

Be warned... not politically correct...

This. Is. Awesome.



The End.

I don't think I can do this anymore.



It's not when we hang out- nor is it in groups- I simply can't miss someone this much. It isn't healthy- and it is days like this that I really want my dog.



I picked up his ashes today, and the loss almost hit me again. But something seems to be turned off.



I don't know.



And that is what concerns me more than anything else. I usually have an idea, and I don't know...